Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   for Lent I'm giving up relationships...oh, nevermind, they gave up on me already

   FYI,,, Bobcat is just short for Robertcat. ...*Science.

   My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive many times and hoping they are more brave than I am.

   ....... I was thinking ...... Considering the state of affairs in this country .... We should make politicians wear shock collars that go off each time they lie. Most would die of severe electrocution!

   Guys: I'm not a tomboy, but I'm not a girly girl either. Like I want to get my nails done but also I wanna get muddy and set stuff on fire. Wanna date me?

   It's always good to announce your break-up via Facebook. It's the easiest way to let her friends know you're available.

   The two best days of my life: The day I got married and the day my divorce was final.

   Dance like its back in 1999 when no one had a camera phone.

   National Drink Wine Day is February 18th....why is this not a stat holiday?

   Fall in love with someone who makes you laugh or you're be really bored when you're 80 years old, with a broken hip, and sex is impossible.

   My performance with my wife last night was amazing. I lasted like 45 minutes!... Then I finally gave in and admitted she was right.

   I like my coffee to be a reflection of myself. Dark, bitter, and too hot for you.

   Submarines are safer than airplanes because there are more airplanes in the sea than submarines in the sky.

   I'm not an alcoholic. I am just a freelance quality control assurance man, for the beer industry...

   Me: Should I buy it? Brain: No!! Wallet: No!! Parents: No!! Cat: Meow NO!! Universe: NO!! Me: Sold.

   More than 2 million New Zealanders voted in the ballot to decide whether to keep the British Union Jack on their flag or replace it with a silver fern. They voted to keep the British Union Flag. Why can't we have a calm Presidential election in America?

   My wife was asking me about some divorcé papers or something. I don't know, it must be French.

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn into "Let me go or I'm calling the police!"

   Opening day of baseball means only 120 more games until we need to start caring about baseball.

   I wish complaining about taxes was tax-deductable.