Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A pregnant lady, except it's me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

   "I'm more night hamster than owl," I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

   Avengers: Endgame, Spoiler Alert! Despite impossible odds and seemingly insurmountable obstacles, the good guys still manage to win.

   I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey! That's my stuff!"?

   I was cleaning out my pantry and found some tang. Unfortunately, it's the kind you drink...

   If you think you can win me over with just food music and a pretty face your damn right!

   Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

   I have spend so much money on buying different clothes...without realizing the best moments of my life are spent without them.

   Money will change me I don't wanna lie. So please enjoy me while I am still broke.

   I don't know about you, but I love paying $1,600 on an iPhone. Thank you, who ever is in charge.

   What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

   Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

   You're trying to get me drunk aren't you? Me to myself

   I'm reading the Cheesecake Factory menu.. please don't tell me how it ends.

   I learned two things today. when you swallow a watermelon seed, they don't digest, but they do float.

   Wedding photographer's slogan: Take a picture of your marriage. It will last longer.

   If your house doesn't have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.

   Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

   Wife: I swear, it's like you never even listen to me!!! Me: Sounds great, Dear.

   Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my— Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird