Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I gotta stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me...

   The intellectual level of this status update has been deliberately diminished for your comprehension.

   Oh look, it's raining outside. I think I'll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don't have a window of their own.

   There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.

   Why do hospitals need to advertise? It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead.

   I only like games where the winner gets their stomach pumped at the hospital

   Can't wait til Feb. 15th...otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate day.

   Just imagine for a moment, if you can, a world without hypothetical situations.

   Happy Earth Day. I'm doing my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.

   Unless I missed an international news story, the TV show "Finding Bigfoot" should probably be called "Not Finding Bigfoot"

   My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.

   When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.

   Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.

   Well, I guess these tequila shots aren't going to regret themselves

   USA & Pakistan's relationship status= It's complicated

   Doing my taxes with a condom on. Figured I'm going to get screwed anyway, so why not be safe about it.

   Girls are like police. They never believe things without evidence.

   Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and think to yourself, “I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.”

   Despite their name, riot police don't have much of a sense of humor.

   I don't care what people think of me. It can't be half as bad as what I think of them...