Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I find the people who complain constantly about people around them being fake n scandalous are usually the most fake and scandalous ones around.

   The day you start looking forward to being abused in the nursing home is the day you realize your life sucks

   People are so rude to each other nowadays, that when one is nice and polite, it's considered a marriage proposal.

   If naps had a taste, I bet they'd be so delicious.

   Today, people that say "liberry" ,"Jewelerry","supposably" and the Incredible"Hawk", get to celebrate "Valentimes" Day.

   Instead of drinking beer today I'm drinking wine, because I have a cold and wine has vitamin C.

   I'm not ashamed of my vices. They're good friends actually. They bring great joy!

   For a rock only found in a planet that was destroyed, Superman must wonder where all his enemies keep finding kryptonite

   In "Hipster Jeopardy", all contestants must phrase their responses in the form of irony.

   At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it .

   Like an abounded school I have no principals 

   it's not a crutch, it's something i've come to rely on to help me through life

   "Um...I'm getting paid overtime for this, right?" --my liver

   I'd have a better relationship with Vodka, I just can't make it last.

   wishes Dunkin Donuts would just 'deliver' already, some of us dont have a job and arent 'on our way to work' good god!

   I remember when The Miss USA Pageant used to mean something! Wait, no, I'm thinking about the Pulitzer. Sorry,enjoy the boobies.

   I'm not sure when it happened, but my "to do" list has become my "to do tomorrow" list.

   When it comes to fighting let`s just say I have lightning-like reflexes…. I hit the ground fast.

   Life puts a continual set of roadblocks in our way. Keep knocking that sh*t down and move forward.

   I Just unlocked the 'Five Naps in One Day Achievement' in the game that is my life.