Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not ashamed of my vices. They're good friends actually. They bring great joy!

   For a rock only found in a planet that was destroyed, Superman must wonder where all his enemies keep finding kryptonite

   In "Hipster Jeopardy", all contestants must phrase their responses in the form of irony.

   At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it .

   Like an abounded school I have no principals 

   it's not a crutch, it's something i've come to rely on to help me through life

   "Um...I'm getting paid overtime for this, right?" --my liver

   I'd have a better relationship with Vodka, I just can't make it last.

   wishes Dunkin Donuts would just 'deliver' already, some of us dont have a job and arent 'on our way to work' good god!

   I remember when The Miss USA Pageant used to mean something! Wait, no, I'm thinking about the Pulitzer. Sorry,enjoy the boobies.

   I'm not sure when it happened, but my "to do" list has become my "to do tomorrow" list.

   When it comes to fighting let`s just say I have lightning-like reflexes…. I hit the ground fast.

   Life puts a continual set of roadblocks in our way. Keep knocking that sh*t down and move forward.

   I Just unlocked the 'Five Naps in One Day Achievement' in the game that is my life.

   If you're not going to stick to the time you gave me, don't give me a time at all..

   The main difference between fiction and reality, is that fiction has to make sense.

   It wasn't funny. :( I pooped my pants. Okay, so I exaggerated. But I was startled.

   Life should be this simple: do whatever makes you happy until you die.

   First dates in movies always consist of activities that would never work in real life. Oh, paddle boating in a lake... so romantic until the first fight comes 4 seconds in on which person is not pulling their weight.

   I can put a coffee maker next to my bed if I want to!