Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I called my local pizza joint last night. I asked for a thin crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.

   No. Standing as close to me as you possibly can, will not make the line move faster.

   That Awkward Moment When: An Emo Goes To Mcdonalds And Orders A Happy Meal

   There's nothing wrong with being short. You may be the last to know when it rains but you're the first to know when there is a flood.

   Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.

   Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.

   Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks. And now we wait....

   Fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hours.

   I think that if I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, for the irony.

   Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.

   Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.

   wonders why the Trojan condom is named after the Trojan horse? Isn't that the horse that penetrated the roman walls then broke open spilling hundreds of men into the city?

   my anger management class pisses me off..

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus."

   thank goodness tim joined us. Haven't seen these jokes in days...

   Let's all watch a bunch of millionaires give each other gold trophies

   I would like to remind everyone it's not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.

   Talk about a double standard, my 6 month old niece sneezes in someone's face and it's all "aww....how cute." I do it and suddenly it's all "what the hell is wrong with you."

   Spotify is linked with Facebook so that your friends can see what you are listening to. (God help me the day Facebook connects with Google.) : ಠ_ಠ

   Ran into a PETA nut while walking my dogs. He said my dogs were my slaves. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying their poop in a bag?