Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Really proud of my parallel parking job. Come see it at 4350 West Elm until 8.

   gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "Who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

   been making the same mistakes for so long that I've taken to just calling them "my traditions!"

   Soon, an African child soldier will fire an M-16 while wearing a Lakers jersey with WORLD PEACE on the back.

   I'd like to thank my attorney, my plastic surgeon and my psychiatrist.

   Good friends dont let you do stupid things....alone

   Keep your woman close and your cell phone closer!

   Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?

   Limbo, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, Treachery - The eight circles of hell when visiting a Walmart. Lust is at Best Buy.

   Smith and Johnson are the two most common last names in US. So when you go to the bar, make sure you try putting drinks on those tabs first.

   Didn't Get Humped Today...Calling Bullsh!t, On Hump Day.

   Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Never apologize for your impeccable taste and high standards.

   Why the hell do people say, "Nice to meet you" when it's their first time to meet me and I haven't had any chance to say anything? How do you know it's nice to meet me? I could be an a$$hole for all you know.

   The California roll is just the pig-n-the-blanket of sushi, right?

   I'm only as strong as the coffee I drink & the hairspray I use..

   I have you on the top of my "to do" list- thought you'd like to know! :)

   Never look down on anybody,... unless you're helping them up.

   If putting a cup holder, car stereo, car horn, and a patio umbrella on my riding mower is weird, I dont wanna know what normal is.......

   Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.

   Growing up I always dreamed of being slimed on Nickelodeon.