Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep your woman close and your cell phone closer!

   Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?

   Limbo, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, Treachery - The eight circles of hell when visiting a Walmart. Lust is at Best Buy.

   Smith and Johnson are the two most common last names in US. So when you go to the bar, make sure you try putting drinks on those tabs first.

   Didn't Get Humped Today...Calling Bullsh!t, On Hump Day.

   Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Never apologize for your impeccable taste and high standards.

   Why the hell do people say, "Nice to meet you" when it's their first time to meet me and I haven't had any chance to say anything? How do you know it's nice to meet me? I could be an a$$hole for all you know.

   The California roll is just the pig-n-the-blanket of sushi, right?

   I'm only as strong as the coffee I drink & the hairspray I use..

   I have you on the top of my "to do" list- thought you'd like to know! :)

   Never look down on anybody,... unless you're helping them up.

   If putting a cup holder, car stereo, car horn, and a patio umbrella on my riding mower is weird, I dont wanna know what normal is.......

   Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.

   Growing up I always dreamed of being slimed on Nickelodeon.

   PRIVACY NOTICE: Warning - any person and/or institution and/or Agent .... oh hell... If I really gave a sh#t, I/you would not even be on Facebook.

   Why is it a "12-pack" and not a "jury of your beers"?

   f all of your pics are taken from from an overhead angle, I have to presume you have a big hairy mole on the bottom of your chin.

   Today's forecast: expect to see everyone's pictures of the triple digit temperatures inside their cars as it bakes in the sun BEFORE the A/C is turned on!

   I woke up on the wrong side of the society.

   I didn't realize this pizza delivery tracker app had a "I dropped your pizza but scooped it back up and placed it in the box" indicator.