Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No, I'm not on drugs. I was born this way! I'm like this, all day everyday.

   My Panic Room is every room I walk into where there's people.

   I've really never been able to walk the walk or talk the talk, but if you need someone to drink the drink, I might be just the one you're looking for..

   Thank you for the $50 gift card to Whole Foods. I will cherish this organic apple.

   I put a Justin Bieber's song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don't have to listen to that sh*t.

   It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries

   I searched Google, Bing and Yahoo on the word Impotence and nothing came up?

   Now, I’m no expert on crack heads, but shouldn’t Rob Ford only have one chin?

   Things haven't changed since the the Garden Of Eden. Women are still offering men a bite of the forbidden fruit, and when they oblige, all hell breaks loose, the only difference is that now, the man is the bad guy.

   I plan on drinking all my morals away.

   Thank god the media continue to obsess on these coal hauling Kartrashian hoes and putting them out as role models.

   Ladies... When they say it's all downhill after 40... Just know.... They're talking about gravity!

   Don’t you wish some people would start using glue instead of lipstick?

   The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single last one of them.

   Still haven't cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different

   Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.

   Success is not owned. It is leased....and the rent is due everyday

   I don't wanna brag but I'm getting pretty good at boiling water.

   I should try my hand at high stakes poker because I'm pretty good at keeping a straight face when knowingly using an expired coupon.

   How is being married like a hurricane? There is a lot of blowing at first, but sooner or later your gonna lose your house.