Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will always cut through a gas station parking lot to avoid a red light.

   In a group picture, there is always the retard that does the peace sign.

   I'm too lazy to I throw my hands up in the air and wave them like I just don't care. THAT'S how much I don't care!

   When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.

   Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.

   She lost me at, "I don't watch football."

   I need a catchphrase, and a themesong. Oh, and while we are at it, a signature sex move that doesn't always end in an apology.

   It's hard to find a good air guitar these days.

   Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?".. Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and said it would be $6 for coffee"

   Some times I just want to control alt delete my life and hit Esc. . .

   Ummmm, yes,,, I need to return this Taylor Swift calendar.. After 4 dates, it fell apart and wrote a vicious song about me.

   "Use the forceps, Luke!" - Obi Gyn Kenobi

   "Everything the light touches is ours," I tell my son while opening the fridge.

   Sometimes the grass appears greener on the other side because there is a lot of bullsh*t going on that side.

   *takes down dreamcatcher & empties it into the trash*

   No, I'm not on drugs. I was born this way! I'm like this, all day everyday.

   My Panic Room is every room I walk into where there's people.

   I've really never been able to walk the walk or talk the talk, but if you need someone to drink the drink, I might be just the one you're looking for..

   Thank you for the $50 gift card to Whole Foods. I will cherish this organic apple.

   I put a Justin Bieber's song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don't have to listen to that sh*t.