Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn't follow the script.

   u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" ...it didnt make sense till I turned it upside down!! (",)

   I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.

   Pack of gum, 10 chances to turn an enemy into a friend

   doesn't care what the #1 song was the day he was born.

   "Dont worry the spider is smaller than you" Yeah? "So is a grenade!"

   Whenever one office door closes, 50 browser windows open

   Okay, let's get this straight. There's no way EVERYONE has the best boyfriend in the world. Work it out amongst yourselves.

   I'm hungry, and the only thing around is this guys face next to me.

   if you want to know what rich people do, just follow me. I know where they live...

   Be my guest, rain on my parade, I have the biggest umbrella you have ever seen!

   Never judge a book by its cover, UNLESS the word Twilight is written on it... then you know it's s$it.

   Tired? Cranky ? Feeling like crap .....There's a nap for that .

   My girlfriend went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her "b!tch refresher course".

   If you keep allowing yourself to be used as a doormat, don't complain when you're thrown away for new one once you get worn out.

   Just finished a great workout.... curls, lunges, and crunches. Does it matter that it was 12 oz curls, lunging toward a bag of reese's cups, and crunching into cookies?

   What's the worst thing you can do to a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet...

   I just had to use a can opener to get my jeans off.

   For all of you wondering what to do with your Pujols Jerseys. Keep them! Buy some red tape and put a line over the 5 like this >$

   I was never that happy doing the neutron dance.