Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you noticed you very rarely hear one liners about cocaine.

   BREAKING NBA NEWS: LeBron James has decided to go with Team Jacob

   Donalds Plan: "Build a wall" "Make America great" Hillarys Plan: "He cant say that"

   If 3 Doors Down is playing the inauguration who's covering their shifts at Applebee's?

   The Miss Universe Pageant is obviously rigged. The winner is always from Earth.

   It's crazy how crazy religions think the other crazy religions are crazy and that their crazy is the right crazy. It's crazy.

   I'm so hilarious I even smell funny.

   confused. Oh wait, maybe not.

   Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn't make you crazy. Me: I know, right? Me: It's a sign of advanced intelligence. Me: High-5. Me: Word.

   Besides me & Bryan Adams who else remembers the summer of 69 ?

   I've been putting this off for too long. Tonight I wang chung

   has anybody else notice that girls go into stalk mode when they like a guy?

   "Let's talk dirty" ... "What DID YOU SAY?!" ... "I said it's 10:30...

   Im pretty sure the Mayans' calendar is wrong, I mean they DISAPPEARED a thousand years ago.

   Bumperstickers are a great way to let people know you're a moron.

   I hate when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn't follow the script.

   u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" ...it didnt make sense till I turned it upside down!! (",)

   I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.

   Pack of gum, 10 chances to turn an enemy into a friend

   doesn't care what the #1 song was the day he was born.