Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first cigarette I ever had I smoked behind Grandpa's barn. It made me dizzy, and I coughed a lot. "Don't worry, that always happens with the first one," said Grandpa. "Try another one." And you know, he was right.~Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

   not sure what the words "PORN" and "POT" have to do with Thanksgiving ... but I know my Mom said both of them at the Dinner table tonight.

   Have you noticed you very rarely hear one liners about cocaine.

   BREAKING NBA NEWS: LeBron James has decided to go with Team Jacob

   Justin Beiber has a movie coming out! What is this world coming to? We would all be better off if someone pushed him into an active volcano!

   thinks Santa should send all the naughty people Justin Bieber CDs instead of coal for Christmans

   Apparently my awesomitude outshines my kickassedness.

   Donalds Plan: "Build a wall" "Make America great" Hillarys Plan: "He cant say that"

   If 3 Doors Down is playing the inauguration who's covering their shifts at Applebee's?

   The Miss Universe Pageant is obviously rigged. The winner is always from Earth.

   It's crazy how crazy religions think the other crazy religions are crazy and that their crazy is the right crazy. It's crazy.

   I'm so hilarious I even smell funny.

   confused. Oh wait, maybe not.

   Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn't make you crazy. Me: I know, right? Me: It's a sign of advanced intelligence. Me: High-5. Me: Word.

   Besides me & Bryan Adams who else remembers the summer of 69 ?

   I've been putting this off for too long. Tonight I wang chung

   has anybody else notice that girls go into stalk mode when they like a guy?

   "Let's talk dirty" ... "What DID YOU SAY?!" ... "I said it's 10:30...

   Im pretty sure the Mayans' calendar is wrong, I mean they DISAPPEARED a thousand years ago.

   Bumperstickers are a great way to let people know you're a moron.