Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he's attempting to get his hoodie back. He's in for one hell of a life lesson.

   American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.

   Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?

   thinks it's funny that "LOL" has gone from meaning "Laugh Out Loud" to "I have Nothing Else To Say"

   Wishes he was a white crayon, so no one would use me...

   Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...

   On relationship status they should have "is getting played by_____________"

   Im a good enough person to forgive you, but not stupid enough to trust you....

   That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can't chug that whole beer!"

   Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.

   You ever notice how most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them? Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus...

   My girl told me that her fantasy f*ck would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Amber from next door wasn't a good answer,

   I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent... twisted... gyrated... jumped up and down... and perspired for a half an hour. But by the time I got my tights on.... the class was over!

   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

   Girls need to start looking for guys who have goals, ambitions, and an education because 10 years from now "swag" isn't going to pay the bills.

   Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it's my modesty that stands out.

   One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo.

   haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

   I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.

   Reason why I check my voice mail... 5% Because I care about my missed calls, 95% to remove that annoying icon.