Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Click "Like" if you agree that I don't need your validation

   Truthful tuesday: When I see something funny on the feed here, I don’t usually laugh.. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.

   You know what else is gluten free? Cigarettes.

   Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.

   Women who like to have a gay BFF;Yes its all fun and games until he try and steal your man.

   Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet recalls....

   Cleveland better not get too excited about LeBron coming to town, He's just coming home to get his hairline then he's leaving again.

   I'm thinking of going on an alcohol diet.... As I need to lose a few days!

   Marriage licenses must be reviewed and renewed yearly.

   I don't chase after girls... unless I have my inhaler with me.

   Corn is the ultimate in and out of body experience.

   "No thanks. I'm a Vegan." Is always a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.

   "What kind of a sick freak would have a painting of a postman being sodomised by a donkey?"... "That's a Rorschach ink blot test.".... "Ummm, a what?"

   The only time I put my phone down is when it rings....

   Herro? Time Warner????

   Don’t call me. Alcohol you later

   Last night I got more wasted than a Liberal Arts degree

   I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I'd still be in bed sleeping.

   I'm getting into a drunken brawl with the first person that sterotypes Irish.

   I wish I had Shazam for faces...