Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “Damn That’s how I want you to do it.”

   You are the birthday card with no money in it of people.

   ATMs should require you to pass a breathalyzer before you can make a withdrawal after midnight

   I find it ironic that I watched the movie "jobs" (about the creator of Apple) on my HP computer running windows 8.1..

   Click "Like" if you agree that I don't need your validation

   Truthful tuesday: When I see something funny on the feed here, I don’t usually laugh.. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.

   You know what else is gluten free? Cigarettes.

   Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.

   Women who like to have a gay BFF;Yes its all fun and games until he try and steal your man.

   Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet recalls....

   Cleveland better not get too excited about LeBron coming to town, He's just coming home to get his hairline then he's leaving again.

   I'm thinking of going on an alcohol diet.... As I need to lose a few days!

   Marriage licenses must be reviewed and renewed yearly.

   I don't chase after girls... unless I have my inhaler with me.

   Corn is the ultimate in and out of body experience.

   "No thanks. I'm a Vegan." Is always a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.

   "What kind of a sick freak would have a painting of a postman being sodomised by a donkey?"... "That's a Rorschach ink blot test.".... "Ummm, a what?"

   The only time I put my phone down is when it rings....

   Herro? Time Warner????

   Don’t call me. Alcohol you later