Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To all the Mothers and Grandmothers out there, whether here on Earth or an Angel in Heaven: Thank you for teaching us all we know. Being a mother is not easy.

   Admits that even as an adult, finding an onion ring mixed in with my fast food french fries is exciting.

   Did you know that most accidents occur within one mile of your home? Which is why I'm never going anywhere near your home.

   The fire department will hang up on you if you are reporting a disco inferno.

   I used to watch TV, read the paper, and listen to the radio. Now I watch the internet, read the internet, and listen to the internet.

   Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they're still getting an answer.

   Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!

   My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my pen!s and asked me what was I doing...apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't the right answer.

   If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.

   If my absence doesn't alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.

   Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.

   NBA's first games start Christmas day....Worst Christmas present EVER!!

   Respect to the women who loved us at our worst when we had nothing, women who patiently watched us grow from boys to men, helped us work for everything we have today, blessed us with love, support and loyalty and never asked for anything in return.

   Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" is a clever little b@stard.

   I suggest we Drink!..... Before we go out Drinking!!

   Skinny jeans aren't for everybody...

   Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.

   Tip: if you're going to call out sick, make sure your co-workers aren't your FB friends and can see the pics you posted drunk last night

   We have 50 friends in common and I still have no idea who the hell you are

   Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!"