Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would hold your baby, but I'm grossed out because I know where it came from.

   I wonder if correcting someone's spelling ever got anyone laid?

   I'm turning my clock back to 1978...

   I'll bet it would be excruciating to listen to Foghorn Leghorn sing a cover version of Jackson/McCartney's "Say Say Say."

   wondering if running late counts as exercise?

   "Angry bowel Syndrome" May not be the MOST prevailent disease to get celebrity attention and special ribbon,,, But it is pushing to be #2

   You better watch out, your better not cry, you better not pout cause I'm telling you why, your 10 and you have an iPhone you little s**t

   Happy birthday to my Dad,,,, who was yelling stuff from the toilet with the door open 36 years before Facebook was created.

   The guy who invented the first wheel was not that great.. The guy who invented the other three now he's a GENIUS!

   My kids are so disciplined they spank themselves. Though I think one of them is starting to do it even when he's not in trouble.

   will never be an Olympic athlete...but I did participate in a Toyotathon once!

   China is now entering sperm as contestants in olympic swimming events, claiming they are of age.

   "So.....you went to college to get a job and you have a job to pay for college." .....What a great economic system the Rothschilds & Rockefellers created!

   When I came home today I brought in a box of tampons and a package of Tylenol... She told me she's not on her period and she doesn't have a headache. Yup, she was tricked into sex again.

   Instead of stressing, whining and crying over him, use that energy to get over him.

   “I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook

   Usain Bolt should be an unlockable character on Temple Run.

   In yoga it's called the "downward dog" ... In the bedroom it's called "only because it's your birthday."

   When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home," I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors!

   There's only one thing I hate more than lying, skim milk. Which is water thats lying about being milk.