Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sigh. guess it's time to go do some grocery shopping. A mouse hung itself in our fridge and left a note 'can't live like this'

   Dear 6, Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you guys do some pretty nasty things. Sincerely, 7

   I'm thinking about going out tonight, because after all, the Beastie Boys DID fight for my right to party....

   Get over here! --------------⇀ ➣➣➣➣ (O_O)

   And remember kids it's very dangerous to drive with a flat. But that chipotle was well worth it :)

   RIP the great #NelsonMandela. Morgan Freeman played you in a film & now you will meet God. Also played by Morgan Freeman.

   How is Hillary's head? Not as good as Monica's

   To be honest, I really don't give a damn. I lose friends, I make friends, and I make enemies everyday. Regardless, I'm still going to be me.

   I'm going to start a non-profit organization to promote the legalization of weed. It will be called the March of Dimebags.

   I wish I could have a lazy Sunday but my to-do list is longer than Aaron Hernandez's rap sheet...

   Anthony Weiner is still sexting... really, who cares??? However, if my last name were weiner and I had a son, I totally would have named him "Gigantic"

   Found a bear in my garbage. Why would someone throw out a perfectly good bear?

   The worst part about being alone is I don't have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge

   You wanna know whats more expensive then Milk and Gas.....Ink! Instead of buying ink for my wireless printer, I mightest well buy a new printer at the rate these prices are going!

   This bottle of vodka doesn’t have a suggested serving size printed on the label, so I’m just gonna assume its just one serving.

   I think KFC should expand their menu to include a 30 piece bucket of original recipe/ extra crispy skin.

   I would hold your baby, but I'm grossed out because I know where it came from.

   I wonder if correcting someone's spelling ever got anyone laid?

   I'm turning my clock back to 1978...

   I'll bet it would be excruciating to listen to Foghorn Leghorn sing a cover version of Jackson/McCartney's "Say Say Say."