Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being funny is so much hotter than being hot.

   So they dropped the charges against that Florida State QB? I guess they didn't find enough Seminole fluid...

   I think the saddest April Fools' joke is thinking there's only one day we devote to lying to each other.

   Not too concerned about the past, but the present, that's a different story. Did you bring me a present? In the future bring a present.

   Ass kissing has never been my thing and never will be..i'll chew broken glass before I kiss ass.

   I do not like this Sam I Am. I do not like this Facebook scam. I do not like the new news feed. I do not like it, no indeed. I do not like your top news trends, instead of recent news from friends. It was just fine, but now it's weird, so let me make

   Dear Facebook: Stop being like my Mom and suggesting people for me to be friends with!

   Nothing imroves creativity like a lack of supervision!

   Can't wait to see whatever movie they're filming in London right now. Looks bad ass.

   Nobody is worth feeling like sh*t for, if they are not bringing you up, then drop their a$$ and stop letting them drag you down.

   it just me or has the iPhone gone from spell correction to straight up "no no you would much prefer THIS random word" correction?

   "If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid.. That's ridiculous. If you have a gun, what in the hell do you have to be paranoid for?"

   Your life would be sweeter if you spent more time around those impressed by you, not those you have to impress.

   girls should come with a carfax

   told my son he should drink plenty of electrolytes in this heat, he responded by asking me if I drink beer for the electrolytes

   Before sending a text to someone who I barely know I check over it a couple times Because I don't want them to think I'm weird

   NOTE: The term "Proper Sense" has now replaced the term "Common Sense" because Common Sense is NOT so common anymore!

   I love long, romantic walks to the fridge ♥

   Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music from the internet.

   Got fired from Bath and Body Works. Apparently coming up behind customers & whispering, "it puts the lotion in the basket," is frowned upon.