Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just tossed two almonds in my bag of skittles. So now it's TRAIL MIX, and therefore healthy.

   I honestly think my dog feels almost no remorse at how messy she makes my house.

   I respect womens opinions until they say they're in a relationship.

   Motivate people to talk about themselves, but not to the extent they punch you.

   My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.

   Wife: You’re a man. Act like one. Me: OK. *scratches balls and ignores the problem*

   Why doesn't The Rock just tell us what he's cooking? I can't pair wines like this.

   real men don't overuse emojis.

   there a term for when a woman wakes you up by humping your face?

   diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, a fat less attractive girl is.

   John Boehner and Harry Ried get into a feminine slap fight complete with hair pulling and name calling on the steps of the Capitol. See it tonight at midnight on the season finale of "The Government"

   A costume and matching shoes later, my child owes me about $50 worth of candy..

   Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.

   When in doubt...Turn the music up.

   Accept your defeat if your opponent is your future wife.

   I always try to see my relatives with love and affection during the Holidays. When I can't I try to see if there is more Bourbon available.

   Animals that walk on two legs like humans should wear underwear.

   Cyanide, the one pill prescription cure all. . .

   Apparently when you walk in and your boss is listening to" Sister Christian ".... You AREN'T supposed to ask if it's couples skate only

   Light beer and turkey bacon probably won't kill you but why take the chance??