Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Karma takes too long. I'd rather beat the sh*t out you now.

   I never knew that Abraham Lincoln was such a badass, killing vampires and freeing slaves, I think he is my new favorite president, step aside Grover Cleveland.

   We'll be with you soon, starving people of the world, first we need to fight over the ideologies of our fast-food restaurants.

   If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

   Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger, but now I love you.

   The sexual tension was so thick you could cut it with a phone call from the wife.

   I should have ordered only half a horse. No way, I can eat all this..

   I had mice in my kitchen til I replaced mouse traps with tiny notes that said,"I'll love you forever". They left me for my neighbor.

   Never heard ladies getting so excited about something that is only 4 inches long.... Well done iPhone5.

   The only thing that's clear to me right now is Vodka.

   You say "love means never having to say you're sorry" What I hear is that essentially your love is a narcissistic sociopathic minefield.

   Unless life also hands you water and sugar, that lemonade is gonna damn suck.

   I bet I can stay drunk longer than you can complain about it.

   If you block me, don't be surprised if you look out your window to see me making out with your garden gnome.

   I think the real you is way more beautiful than that other you.

   They say you are what you eat. I don't recall eating a legend.

   Everyone has that 1 favorite piece of clothing that you wear all the time and refuse to throw away.

   We hope your holiday season is off to a great start and if it's not you'll keep that whiny $#!t to yourself.

   As I lie here on my hungover bed of death, I shall re-evaluate my life and consider sobriety ...Tomorrow: repeat

   "Pay attention to me when I'm ignoring you" -women