Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.

   I want the equivalent of an e-cigarette for alcohol so I can do it at work. Get on that scientists!

   Why do I have to press "ONE" for English, when they just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?!?!

   What happens if pasta touches antipasta?

   You want to talk to me about the Grammy's? Oh I'm sorry, you must have confused me with some sheep who give a ¢r@p about celebrities.

   Coke Zero is the only soft drink named after the number of times I've tried it

   Some people only pick up a Bible when they want a tattoo.

   What's cardio, and can I eat it?

   Have you noticed that the most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon?

   If I ignored you any harder, we'd be married.

   Attention pretty girls. Right now, nice, ugly girls are getting laid so stop being such a b*itch…

   It takes balls to eat Rocky Mountain Oysters.

   FB isnt the place to tell everyone your life blows..... everyone knows it the place where you pretend your life is awesome!

   Dear hookers & strippers, What is "bring your kid to work" day like? Sincerely, curious

   The definition of being stupid: seeing the truth, knowing the truth, and choosing to still believe the lies... with a smile.

   Damit.... I woke up with a pulse. I supose this means I should get dressed now....

   I don't love with my heart...I love with my imagination.

   Only when they're in a fix and in need your help do they come to you all sweet and humble. I won't buy that sh*t. Fu*k you and your problems.

   Middle finger up... Cause I dont give a fu**!

   Why is it so hard to find information without paying for it? but I can google Kevin Bacon, Justin Bieber and that OctoMom for free?!? AH