Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You want to talk to me about the Grammy's? Oh I'm sorry, you must have confused me with some sheep who give a ¢r@p about celebrities.

   Coke Zero is the only soft drink named after the number of times I've tried it

   Some people only pick up a Bible when they want a tattoo.

   What's cardio, and can I eat it?

   Have you noticed that the most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon?

   If I ignored you any harder, we'd be married.

   Attention pretty girls. Right now, nice, ugly girls are getting laid so stop being such a b*itch…

   It takes balls to eat Rocky Mountain Oysters.

   FB isnt the place to tell everyone your life blows..... everyone knows it the place where you pretend your life is awesome!

   Dear hookers & strippers, What is "bring your kid to work" day like? Sincerely, curious

   The definition of being stupid: seeing the truth, knowing the truth, and choosing to still believe the lies... with a smile.

   Damit.... I woke up with a pulse. I supose this means I should get dressed now....

   I don't love with my heart...I love with my imagination.

   Only when they're in a fix and in need your help do they come to you all sweet and humble. I won't buy that sh*t. Fu*k you and your problems.

   Middle finger up... Cause I dont give a fu**!

   Why is it so hard to find information without paying for it? but I can google Kevin Bacon, Justin Bieber and that OctoMom for free?!? AH

   The power of Friday compels you! The power of Friday compels you!

   Dear Math, Stop asking us to find your x. She's not coming back. You're so annoying! Now we know why she left you. Sincerely, Students.

   Where am I going? and why am I in this handbasket?

   just got kicked out of JG Wentworth for marching in and demanding my money NOW!