Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I identify as a Non-Bidenary. My pronouns are FJB/lets go Brandon.

   Remember the good ol' days when people robbed banks... not the other way around?

   Let's see, which emotional issues shall I bury under deep layers of sarcasm today?

   Keep Earth clean. It's not Uranus.

   My new girlfriend said a small d*ck shouldn't be a problem as long as we truly love each other. This was right before she showed it to me.

   When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!

   Can someone get Seal Team Six some round trip tickets to North Korea?

   Some days I think Forrest had the right idea when he dropped everything and just kept running.

   Karen on Facebook says… "Going to the dentist now. Hate having things put in my mouth!!! :(" That's probably why your husband left, Karen.

   In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   My boss yelled at me yesterday "It's the fifth time you've been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it's Friday?"…

   The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.

   I'm gonna start driving my car on bike paths, it's only fair.

   Chuck-E-Cheese, because it's never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling...

   I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties.

   I put bubble wrap under my mattress during sex. It sounds like fireworks. Makes for much more festive mood

   I refuse to join your birthday calendar cult!

   Dear AT&T Wireless, Thanks for transferring me to nine different agents with nine different accents...I am exhausted from this world-wide tour.

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

   a problem with Kinect for X-Box... if I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.