Funny Status Messages and Tweets

    "I can't believe it's not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder

   Pro Tip: If a girl asks you about your plans, there's a good chance she wants to be apart of them.

   The best way to live a miserable life is to pay attention to what other people are saying about you.

   nothing too see here, move along.

   I oppose deporting Justin Bieber for his crimes. This is America, after all. We have the death penalty.

   Ride me like the pony you never got.

   Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck's closet.

   And the Oscar goes to Cheek implants and Botox...

   I Don't know if I've got some free time,or if I just forgot what the hell i'm supposed to be doing ..

   I may have found my coffee limit. I'm sitting on my hands to stop them from shaking. Related- I no longer need batteries.

   She's replying to all my text messages fairly quickly, I guess you can say things are getting pretty serious.

   What are they going to do now if they ever do a reboot of the Dukes of Hazzard?

   If you're missing a necklace just remember Dave Navarro probably has it.

   Just once I'd like a man to approach me at a bar and say 'come with me if you want to live'.

   I don't like to make plans too far in advance because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

   Some idiot posted spoilers and totally ruined my Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Road Chip experience

   Apparently a swizzle stick is NOT a wand. Further, I have been advised by the bouncers that I will henceforth be unable to go “Bippity Boppity Boo” on anyone else’s arse tonight.

   Day 28: I am thankful for the fact that I do not have to see your 28 days of thankful posts for another year

   Happy Elastic Waistband Day

   I just picked out a Valentines Card from the Bill Cosby collection. It came with a roofy, two Advil for the day after, and a do-it-yourself police report........