Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Meanwhile Mexico is digging through its couch looking for change to pay for the wall......

   CNN, FOX, MSNBC. I'm not a fan of any biased news outlets. That's why I get all my information from one channel and one channel only. The Cartoon Network.

   What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo recieves before leaving the factory? Two test-tickles.

   I'm pretty sure the hotel receptionist was checking me out!

   The difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale is a Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." and a Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh!t..."

   I'm surprisingly nice for someone who hates 99% of people.

   it poontang or punetang? Need to know fast, I'm writing a sympathy card.

   Confidence is maturbating with the lights on...blinds open...and the door unlocked.

   REALLY??.. You're on food stamps and using your IPhone 4 to complain about it on Facebook???.... This is why I sometimes feel like I should give up,,,,, why bother trying??

   despite the contradictory advice circulated in the late '90s, if you wanna be my lover, please do not get with my friends.

   My coworker, a Jehovah's Witness,, wouldn't attend the Christmas luncheon.. She took her bonus check though,, Maybe she's donating it to her church.

   You know it's sad when my phone battery last longer than some peoples relationships.

   Since I'm so good at failing to fullfill my resolutions, this year my resolutions are to be unhealthy, avoid the gym, pay my bills late and have more sex with ugly girls.

   A girl was smiling and running with excitement towards me and at that moment, I knew…there was a clearance sale in the shoe store behind me.

   Everything in life is temporary , if things are going good , enjoy it , if things are going bad , don't worry , it won't last forever either .... !!

   Kleenex Diem! Sneeze the day!

   Tom Brady's kick was still better than David Akers

   My boss accuse me of being immature, but I had my hands over my ears and told him I wasn't listening.

   If I were Obama, I'd totally lead with "My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless."

   You have no legs and you're dating a super model and you kill her....on VALENTINES?! Good god, some people just don't know what they have do they?