Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stupid people exist just to make us feel better about ourselves. Thank you, stupid people!

   Why even ask how my weekend was if youre just going to interrupt me halfway through to say Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.

   Sometimes things just don't work out....like when you finally get your foot in the door, someone slams it!

   POLLEN: Mother Natures hangover.

   There are a lot of great talents in Youtube compared to these overrated, Auto Tuned signed hypes...

   Whoever said "Good things come to those who wait" has never stood in my long a$$ line.

   I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn't a kind of drink

   In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

   I was in Wimbledon the other day and was talking to this guy and he said he was a ball boy. I told him I'm more of a breast man myself.

   for once I'll like a fortune cookie to tell me, you gonna have hot sweaty sex and is gonna leave you exhausted

   they say there is more fish in the sea....im not sure what bait to use and I sure in the hell dont wanna catch any crabs...

   I want to be there when Google takes the street view picture of my address. The possibilities are endless.

   If the 'Dog Whisperer' were to be found out to be an illegal, and the boys from 'Cops' were after him, and he ran and hid in the woods, then the K-9 unit let the dogs loose ......now THAT'S a TV show I'd actually watch through the commercial breaks.....

   How busy can you actually be if you just took the time to change your online status to say so?

   Mike Tyson reality show? somebody kill me now.

   Actually Billy, Mommy and Daddy watch these Debates to determine just how many months or years worth of canned goods and ammunition we should be storing in the cellar.

   .... Hillary reminded me of my condescending Mother in-law and Trump reminded me of my Grumpy Uncle

   If you've never stubbed your toe on a sock. You've never been in a teenage boys bedroom!

   Why do eggs come in a flimsy styrofoam containers but batteries come in a heavy plastic case you need a chainsaw to open?

   Since hockey has been cancelled, nobody has seen the Zamboni driver. But I’m sure he will resurface eventually .