Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gas so cheap right now I don't even shake the pump after I fill up.

   Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.

   Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.

   Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."

   I refused to buy my 6 year old nephew a Barbie doll for his birthday because I believe that Barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations. There is no way you could rip a woman’s head off that easily.

   Why is it that kids these days can shift their gender but cannot shift a manual transmission?

   Happy 35th, Atari 2600

   Dear Tequila: We had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, smarter and a better dancer. But I saw the video. And I think we need to talk...

   I don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.

   My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."

   That's Crazy = The perfect response when you haven't been listening.

   You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."

   The economy is so bad that Anglina Jolie is adopting American kids now.

   Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor's WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I'm the victim here!

   Google turned 12 this year, so now we have 1 more year to use it before it turns into a teenager and wont answer anything!

   Recycle your dog and cat poop! No need to throw it away! Put it to good use and mail it to: Westboro Baptist Church C/O Fred Waldron Phelps Sr. 3791 SW 12th St Topeka KS 66604

   You know you were raised catholic...if while watching Star Wars you hear "May the force be with you" and you respond "And also with you"

   If A-B-C-D didn't drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn't have to be so rushed.

   May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.

   Women are like iPhones. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.