Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

   "When I'm dead, I'd like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole." - Humans

   Happy 35th, Atari 2600

   Dear Tequila: We had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, smarter and a better dancer. But I saw the video. And I think we need to talk...

   I don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.

   My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."

   That's Crazy = The perfect response when you haven't been listening.

   You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."

   The economy is so bad that Anglina Jolie is adopting American kids now.

   Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor's WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I'm the victim here!

   Google turned 12 this year, so now we have 1 more year to use it before it turns into a teenager and wont answer anything!

   Recycle your dog and cat poop! No need to throw it away! Put it to good use and mail it to: Westboro Baptist Church C/O Fred Waldron Phelps Sr. 3791 SW 12th St Topeka KS 66604

   You know you were raised catholic...if while watching Star Wars you hear "May the force be with you" and you respond "And also with you"

   If A-B-C-D didn't drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn't have to be so rushed.

   May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.

   Women are like iPhones. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.

   I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."

   I found an old coin and took it to a coin expert to examine it! He said ''This could be worth $5,000,000.00!'' After catching my breath I gasped ''Really?"' he tossed it back to me and said ''Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket!!!'

   I'm opening a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50