Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my a$$!

   I washed my car today, just so the birds could have a clean place to $hit...

   Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Worse: With corrections

   TIPS FOR SUCCESS WITH WOMEN: (1) Don't be ugly. Should you be Ugly, Dont be Broke!

   For those men who don't pee in the shower, I SALUTE you!!

   Ever look at a pic someone posted and think sarcastically to yourself "Imagine that."

   my body is no longer my temple, it's more like a bar and grill.

   celebrating black history month by wearing all cotton clothes

   I have a dream that one day I'll be able to go to work and get a pay check that 35 percent doesnt go to people that have no jobs and do nothing but smoke weed. I cant wait til November.

   Kill that blower or blow that killer.... Whatever

   How many men does it take to open a beer? None...it should be open when she brings it to ya.

   informing you that 95% of teens would cry if they saw the Jonas Brothers at the top of a skyscraper about to jump. Copy and paste this EVERYWHERE if you are in the 5% that would shout Jump!!

   FREE TIBET! *Offer only valid with purchase of another Tibet of equal or greater value. Void where prohibited"

   I just watch a damn naked Chinese man run into a wall at full speed with a hard on. He broke his nose.

   If only you guys were as good as telling jokes as you were at trashing our country's President.

   Knows what you did last summer... Thanks to good old Facebook

   I called a company and heard "Don't fear the Reaper" while I was on hold. At first it seemed cool, but do I really want Life Insurance from a company that plays that?!?! ;-)

   wondering: do doggies ever do it people-style???

   Have you ever looked at other people and think to yourself "I'm just better than you"......welcome to my life

   Everyone you meet comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.