Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be

   I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I'm watching.

   Just finished putting the Ex-Lax in the candy

   The problem with alcohol is that that... it wears off.

   I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.

   If I can see you, you're invading my personal space.

   I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.

   I had a bad day...but at least no one took my pants off and ate my face.

   My current cardio workout consists of taking a fistful of Exlax right after I see a "Next rest stop,, 25 miles" sign on the turnpike

   Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for v@gin@.

   The worst thing about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute.

   One day, I'll start messing with your feelings and you'll get mad because I finally learned how to play your game and beat you at it.

   I wonder when they will put the middle class on the endangered species list.

   The number one rule in life "stay in your own lane "and there won't be any accidents.

   My GF told me she was seeing a psychiatrist. That's ok, I said; I'm seeing a nurse, a fitness instructor and a college student…

   Single, taken, in a relationship; are all just terms. Your status is measured by your actions.

   Condoms are cheaper than diapers, remember that:)

   When is it a good time to mention that St. Patrick was born in Britain and kidnapped by Irish raiders and taken captive to Ireland as a slave? Not today then?

   Wait,, there's a "pro-anorexia" community? That's a thing?.. Oh,, I bet they have the worst luncheons ever.

   Toilet paper and my iPhone have a lot in common... both are essential when I take a s$it.