Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My sandwich told me I was crazy so I ate him, because crazy people don't eat talking sandwiches.

   Kyle cleared of all charges, about to exit court room. Judge yells out. "Hey Kid!" Kyle turns around. "You forgot this" tosses him his AR-15. Credits roll. Eye Of The Tiger plays. . .

   I was abducted by aliens once, but after a couple hours the Mexican landscapers let me go.

   Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been around for years: they call it 'cash.'

   FACT: there's no manly way to put on chapstick. I usually just make a mean face and hum Tupac songs.

   As if people didn't have enough reasons to panic when their doorbell rang... Now we have to worry that it's Ryan Seacrest.

   i love how men mock women for being overemotional and then lose their sh1t over a team losing an over-glorified game of fetch

   Scientists have discovered a planet that has four sunsets a day. Imagine how frigging tedious Instagram is there.?

   Someone called me lazy today I almost objected.

   Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here's the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke.

   It's nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be

   I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE ?"

   I bruised my face running drunk into a slider door but I told my coworkers it's my violent boyfriend because I want them to think I'm dating

   Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you're going to get.

   My introverts club met today...at separate houses.

   I got pulled over by a lady cop. I asked her what's wrong and she snapped back "NOTHING!"

   Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

   They should have waited until next July 4th to launch that Antares Rocket. At least then it would not have been a complete waste.

   There is an elegance, and an art, to being beautifully broken

   And on the sixth day satan created algebra.