Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?

   My favorite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.

   When 50 cent got hungry... 58

   “I put on panties cause there was a spider on the deck and I don’t know where it went.” and other morning texts.

   Fact: “Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

   2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.

   I don't get the lowest common denominator mentality of FB groups. Someone posts something thought provoking and gets no attention. Someone else posts "What's better, a Whopper or a Big Mac?" and they ago berzerk answering.

   When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

   Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

   I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

   freezing my eggs so I can chuck em at his house later

   Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

   My boyfriend does this completely insane thing where sometimes, when I ask him to take a photo of me, he takes exactly ONE photo

   The main difference between a Nudist and a Streaker is the type of blur your local TV News channel uses of the incident.

   True love means being with someone want to see you get ahead in life by waiting until February 15th to get their flowers in candy at 50% off.

   Wouldn't it be awesome if the snow relief package people threw rolls of paper towels at us?

   My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

   Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

   If parents are homeschooling does the family album become the yearbook?

   Being spontaneous would be a lot easier if people would just give me a couple of days notice first.