Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

   My female doctor told me I'm really sweet. Well, she actually said I am severely diabetic but I knew what she meant.

   While I was at the hospital , I noticed I parked in the "C" section of their parking lot..... So, of course, I climbed out of the sunroof !

   Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

   Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

   I have come to the realization that I have a problem with alcohol. I don't get nearly enough of it.

   SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?

   When 50 cent got hungry... 58

   “I put on panties cause there was a spider on the deck and I don’t know where it went.” and other morning texts.

   Fact: “Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

   2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.

   I don't get the lowest common denominator mentality of FB groups. Someone posts something thought provoking and gets no attention. Someone else posts "What's better, a Whopper or a Big Mac?" and they ago berzerk answering.

   When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

   Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

   I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

   freezing my eggs so I can chuck em at his house later

   Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

   My boyfriend does this completely insane thing where sometimes, when I ask him to take a photo of me, he takes exactly ONE photo

   The main difference between a Nudist and a Streaker is the type of blur your local TV News channel uses of the incident.

   True love means being with someone want to see you get ahead in life by waiting until February 15th to get their flowers in candy at 50% off.