Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This social distancing is stressing out the flat-earthers I’m afraid it may push them over the edge!

   Since it is actually impossible to know which part of my life is the middle, I've decided to have a on-going crisis.

   Beavers don't go to heaven. In the afterlife they are sent to eternal dam nation.

   I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

   I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.

   "The system is rigged." --Bernie Sanders after losing at Monopoly

   I'm not sure if there's anything sadder than watching someone eat Sonic in their car by themselves.

   How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon Go player with my car?

   Heck, Who wants to look at Melania Trump as First Lady of the United States when we could have the Screechers wife Bill Clinton as the First Lady.

   My dog ate out of the garbage, sniffed himself, threw up and fell asleep in the kitchen. Think he's mocking me when I drink.

   I bet Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are the highest level Pokémon Go players.

   Don't worry. There will be a time in your life, too, when the phrase "Get up and go" takes on a whole new meaning....

   I just got offered a great deal from Vodafone. A new Samsung phone and a free fire extinguisher.

   Of all the terrible ways to be woken up I think, “mommy, my fart is on the floor,” takes the cake.

   I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.

   Either I just stepped in dog sh*t or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

   When you use the self-service checkout lanes at Wal-mart, you should get a discount like you do when you buy self-service gasoline.

   Never forget your family... they're the real enemies.

   Show dominance on an airplane by calling the flight attendants bartenders.

   In my future defense, I was not running from the cops, I was running from the cameras