Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   •The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

   Back in my day we went to the bathroom to use it, not take a picture of yourself...

   They always seem to want you back the minute they see you being happy with someone else.

   I can't grow sideburns but hope to one day have ear-hair that's long enough for a combover.

   So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry"

   Commercials used to be funny. Now they're just like "hey stupid! Buy this!"

   FACT: 87% of all tweets are just slightly re-worded Bon Jovi lyrics.

   Kris Humphries parents probably took him out Trick or Treating last night to get his mind off things.

   They joined for many reasons, to march, to sail, to fly. They went where they were posted but nobody joins to die. Their leaders talk on TV what else could we have done? But those leaders lost no daughters and none has lost a son. So heres to all our sold

   I almost felt strongly about something today but then I saw a duck

   A stepdad should be called a “Faux Pa.”

   Sorry, I'm really bad at returning calls and texts." = "Um yeah, I just don't want to talk to you."

   Chris Brown has released a song about his fight with Drake. Dude, your beef is with Drake, why are you making the rest of us suffer?

   I'm hot - Ah! - I'm hot - Ah! - I'm hot - Ah! -- Me, in front of my oscillating fan.

   My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex, so I dumped her.

   No, no, no. I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you.

   I don't understand how awareness campaigns are helpful for things everyone in the world is already aware of.

   I'll always be here for you...Unless there's an angry mob after you. Then I've never seen you before in my life.

   You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

   I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.