Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

   I really love my new tattoo. "No pain, no g"

   I haven't seen a call like that since Leslie Neilson was the ump in Naked Gun.

   when I run out of toilet paper i'll awkwardly sit there and hope the toilet paper gods on his way

   The most romantic thing I've ever done is get a girl's name tattooed on my grandpa.

   A man overdosed on erectile dysfunction medication one night. He went out the hard way.

   I'm getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.

   two types of woman out there on valentines day...those who just want a hallmark card...and those who want you to max out your visa card...

   A rhinoceros walks into a bar wearing a top hat and orders six Jägerbombs and...you should be ashamed of yourself for expecting a punchline. It's obvious this rhinoceros needs help.

   Who needs beer goggles - I've got vodka binoculars.

   alcohol and drugs is not the answer...unless you're asking what I'm doing this weekend.

   I feel like my dogs version of porn is watching me eat chicken.

   Someday I want to be rich enough where I can do things like accidentally drop my new cell phone into a public toilet and not even consider fishing it out.

   I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.

   Someone else can have my fifteen minutes of fame.

   There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.

   Was asked to join the Optimist Club the other day but I just had this feeling that no good would come of it.

   A rocket launcher but for all the idiots on the highway.

   Welcome to passive aggressive training. None of you appear to be very bright... but I'm sure you'll do great!

   Nothing says I hate you like giving someone a selfie stick as a birthday present.