Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because it zips, doesn't mean it fits!

   The Royal Mail are releasing stamps of famous prostitutes. They cost 20p each but if you lick them it's 45p.

   doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

   When your body is sore, Exercise your mind.

   If only Dave Chappelle was still around to say "I'm Charlie Sheen b*tch. It's a celebration b*tches."

   People tell me that opportunity is just around the corner don't realize I'm walking in circles in this terrible job market.

   had a date tonight...& didnt need chloroform

   Those damn NASA Scientists couldnt tell me where the satellite was landing...now have to figure out alternative ways of getting rid of my ex

   I pledged allegiance "to the republic for witches stand" until third grade.

   How long do you have to leave the dishes sitting before they finally give in and wash themselves?

   I just blocked someone for having the same name as my ex.. That's normal, right guys?

   If you've never tried to use "the force" to get a an out-of-reach remote control, you're probably not as lazy as me.

   I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..

   Funny how when a woman is drunk and walks in your door to have violent sex, it's all fun. But when I do the same thing, I'm being arrested?

   looking for a female that will go down on me as much as dish network does!

   I am 100 days sober today!!! well, not in a row but it still counts right?

   I Diet religiously.........I eat what I want, then Pray I don't gain any Weight

   An ATM machine that gives you a hug and whispers 'Everything will be ok' into your ear when you check your account balance would be AWESOME!

   Anyone that eats 6 tacos instead of running will soon be running whether they like it or not.

   Taking relationship advice from people on Facebook is like asking a blind person for directions. If these people had perfect relationships, they wouldn’t even be on Facebook half the time.