Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You ever notice how awful your face looks in public restrooms full of fluorescent lights? Every cut, scrap, scratch, scar, scab, zit, bump, blemish, and pimple you had all seem to come out at the same time.

   My Vocabulary = 50% swearing, 50% sarcasm

   I hate how Facebook always ask "What's on your mind?" like I'm actually going to share tickets to this crazy train with all of my friends.

   It's sad that... last week's earthquake was the most movement we have seen coming from Congress in quite sometime now.

   Money talks...but all mine ever says is "good-bye."

   Do not confuse: 'Patching up things with your girlfriend' and 'Repairing the leaks in your blow-up-dolls"

   I am so addicted to the stupid games on FB that I don't think of getting older anymore, I just think I LEVELED UP!

   Just because it zips, doesn't mean it fits!

   The Royal Mail are releasing stamps of famous prostitutes. They cost 20p each but if you lick them it's 45p.

   doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

   When your body is sore, Exercise your mind.

   If only Dave Chappelle was still around to say "I'm Charlie Sheen b*tch. It's a celebration b*tches."

   People tell me that opportunity is just around the corner don't realize I'm walking in circles in this terrible job market.

   had a date tonight...& didnt need chloroform

   Those damn NASA Scientists couldnt tell me where the satellite was landing...now have to figure out alternative ways of getting rid of my ex

   I pledged allegiance "to the republic for witches stand" until third grade.

   How long do you have to leave the dishes sitting before they finally give in and wash themselves?

   I just blocked someone for having the same name as my ex.. That's normal, right guys?

   If you've never tried to use "the force" to get a an out-of-reach remote control, you're probably not as lazy as me.

   I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..