Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The greatest feeling in the world is when your girlfriend tells you, you're better in bed than her husband. . .

   Just gonna wait until this police sketch artist realizes I'm describing him.

   Last I heard, my guardian angel was in the ER with alcohol poisoning.

   Listen,,, Anything can be cereal, if you have enough milk.

   Don't worry about walking a mile in my shoes. Just try spending a day thinking in my head.

   This tequila tastes like my ex wants me to text her.

   At what point during my neighbors sob story about losing her job do I mention I only have 2% battery life?

   Every woman has a psycho gene inside her. It just takes the right mix of alcohol and man to bring it out.

   Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with 'give me the good stuff' written on it.

   I'd rather bathe with a cat than have a joint FB account...

   Women who claim their favorite TV show is Keeping Up With The Kardashians, are just confessing they'll give blow jobs for a shopping spree.

   Kim Kardashian is back in the studio, working on an album? She's turning her sex tape into a musical?

   Johnny bravo has taught me a great deal about how to deal with rejection.

   Lime flies when you're having rum.

   My wife just nominated me for the "would it kill you to refill the ice trays every once in a while" challenge?

   that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Neither, it's my new iPhone.

   Ok. Who the frig showed my grandma how to start "group texts" ?!?

   I'm just looking for a reason not to drink

   Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

   If Timehop is good for one thing, it's to remind me that I peaked a few years ago...