Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I want to punch words right back into people's mouths.

   Hey Friday! How ya been buddy?

   Kids today have it so easy. When I was a teenager it was almost impossible to find pictures of the First Lady naked on the internet.

   Congratulations to Marijuana for winning more states than Hillary .

   ... Well ... Yes ... Technically ..... I do think that burning the American Flag is a form of Free Speech ...... All I ask is that you wrap yourself in it FIRST before setting it on fire ....

   Getting a bit tired of all of this McCarthyism passing itself off as news in America.

   Black Olives Matter

   I hope someday I will be able to afford an iPhone X... Like the girl in front of me paying for her groceries with food stamps...

   I think ppl should make New Years resolutions for NO MORE SELFIES IN BATHROOMS......Seriously.....you and your toilet are not sexy......

   Some people call me insensitive, but that's not true. I have an emotion: I feel sorry for the millions of pathetic losers who walk around like sheep waiting to be shorn.

   I can't wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high on Ebay.

   Who are you going to believe - me, a husband and father with no criminal record, or some fancy HD security footage from Victoria's Secret?

   when I catch a spider in the house, I tie him up and waterboard him. Then I throw him outside so he can tell his friends not to fu<k with me.

   I hate it when I'm trying to make money and someone greases the stripper pole.

   HOW TO TWERK.... STEP 1.....Reconsider...

   Today in 1992, Rodney King said, "Can we all get along?" SPOILER ALERT: We can't.

   If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.

   The best part about work is leaving.

   I'm ready to get lost on vacation somewhere Sean Penn wont even be able to find me.

   Dear justin beiber haters Please respect him.. I owe my life to him last year I was in a coma for 4 months due to a terrible car accident.. One day my nurse turned on the radio to Justin's song...I got up and turned off the radio