Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Owen Wilson talks like his mouth is as messed up as his nose.

   Currently having an "out-of-money" experience.

   Nothing says "Love" like having a ShamWow tossed at your genitals after having sex.

   If you watch my marriage in reverse, my wife pulls a knife out of me and gets back together with her ex boyfriend.

   Girls who marry for money & guys who marry for beauty are equally robbed in the end.

   Happy birthday America, you lovable old geezer!

   I'm beginning to think Queen Latifah is not actually a queen.

   Sometimes I want to punch words right back into people's mouths.

   Hey Friday! How ya been buddy?

   I hope someday I will be able to afford an iPhone X... Like the girl in front of me paying for her groceries with food stamps...

   Black Olives Matter

   Kids today have it so easy. When I was a teenager it was almost impossible to find pictures of the First Lady naked on the internet.

   Congratulations to Marijuana for winning more states than Hillary .

   ... Well ... Yes ... Technically ..... I do think that burning the American Flag is a form of Free Speech ...... All I ask is that you wrap yourself in it FIRST before setting it on fire ....

   Getting a bit tired of all of this McCarthyism passing itself off as news in America.

   I think ppl should make New Years resolutions for NO MORE SELFIES IN BATHROOMS......Seriously.....you and your toilet are not sexy......

   Some people call me insensitive, but that's not true. I have an emotion: I feel sorry for the millions of pathetic losers who walk around like sheep waiting to be shorn.

   I can't wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high on Ebay.

   Who are you going to believe - me, a husband and father with no criminal record, or some fancy HD security footage from Victoria's Secret?

   when I catch a spider in the house, I tie him up and waterboard him. Then I throw him outside so he can tell his friends not to fu<k with me.