Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your giving your all and your all isn't enough your giving it to the wrong person!!

   That Moment of Fame when your name is in a math problem.

   Girlfriend pressuring you to have a baby? Set the alarm on her phone to an infant screaming. If that doesn't changer her mind..DUMP HER!

   I think I'm a good judge of people...that's why I don't like none of 'em.

   The difference between men and women? women dont draw √aginas on each others foreheads after a night of drinking

   Never trust a rabbit or a duck,,, if you want to find out which hunting season it is.

   it me or does the pope look like a super villian?

   I don't care if you're a dog person or a cat person, I generally don't date anyone with a tail.

   Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a paramedic.

   I opened up a can of coke and it said, "Sorry, you didn't win". I didn't even know I was playing, yet I was still disappointed.

   Due to the shortage of any great leaders in my government, I have decided to follow myself... seems that I just keep walking around in circles though.

   Oh, you think you're ugly? I believe you spelled attention seeking wh$re wrong.

   Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.

   Friends don't let friends decorate drunk!

   Alcohol: The Leading cause of rug burns on your forehead.

   Single awareness day approaches :/

   I'm not lazy. I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.

   Ladies: You know by saying you want a man who is good in bed implies that you are also good in bed right??

   Nice guys don't finish last, they finish by themselves in front of the computer.

   A night of insomnia is always followed by a morning of browser history clearing.