Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care if you're a dog person or a cat person, I generally don't date anyone with a tail.

   Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a paramedic.

   I opened up a can of coke and it said, "Sorry, you didn't win". I didn't even know I was playing, yet I was still disappointed.

   Due to the shortage of any great leaders in my government, I have decided to follow myself... seems that I just keep walking around in circles though.

   Oh, you think you're ugly? I believe you spelled attention seeking wh$re wrong.

   Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.

   Friends don't let friends decorate drunk!

   Alcohol: The Leading cause of rug burns on your forehead.

   Single awareness day approaches :/

   I'm not lazy. I'm just highly motivated not to do anything.

   Ladies: You know by saying you want a man who is good in bed implies that you are also good in bed right??

   Nice guys don't finish last, they finish by themselves in front of the computer.

   A night of insomnia is always followed by a morning of browser history clearing.

   Owen Wilson talks like his mouth is as messed up as his nose.

   Currently having an "out-of-money" experience.

   Nothing says "Love" like having a ShamWow tossed at your genitals after having sex.

   If you watch my marriage in reverse, my wife pulls a knife out of me and gets back together with her ex boyfriend.

   Girls who marry for money & guys who marry for beauty are equally robbed in the end.

   Happy birthday America, you lovable old geezer!

   I'm beginning to think Queen Latifah is not actually a queen.