Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So the etch-a-sketch creator is dead... His family is reported to be a little shook up...

   That halftime show was the best....said no one ever!

   ‎,,!,,(-.-),,!,, in this kind of mood

   It always seems like as soon as you start to figure out that life is a real b!tch, it has puppies.

   Do you know what I find interesting? ...Neither does this person who keeps talking to me.

   We are one worldwide coffee shortage away from an actual zombie apocalypse.

   Don't let him ruin your life, he already ruined your mascara

   When someone tells me to guess something and I don't but they keep telling me to try, I start to guess they want to be punched in the face.

   Summer is the season when a man thinks he can cook better on an outdoor grill than his wife can on an indoor stove

   Once you graduate college, pigtails become shorthand for "daddy issues."

   If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food.

   it odd that plenty of fish lets you search for a girl who does drugs often? I guess I have never woke up and said "Wow, I sure wish I could meet a nice meth head somehow"

   I heard the gas companies are going to be changing the grades of gasoline from regular, mid-grade, and supreme to tall, grande and venti...

   Saw a lady at Walmart wearing those "shape up" shoes. Thought to myself, "Honey....there ain't no shaping that thing up."

   The only thing some people can achieve on their own is dandruff.

   so excited! Theres only one more sleep til I'm awake again. Can't wait.

   Damn, my foot's asleep, now it's going to be up all night.

   We had social networking when we were kids too... I think it was called "outside" back then though.

   heard Osama wasn't hiding he kept trying to call the United States but kept getting foreigners and thought he had the wrong country....

   Dear Facebook, I am not interested to see who has been viewing my profile but I would be very much interested if you can develop a "Punch people who tag me in photos I am not even featured without my permission" Application.