Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   or should I say when our we our we gonna protect our schools like we protect our banks and government offices

   I feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan, imagine how many Adobe updates she’ll have after rehab.

   Just when I thought I couldn't hate squirrels any more,,, one just ran past me wearing socks w/ sandals.

   I wouldn't be much of a trophy husband. I'd be more of a thanks-for-participating-ribbon husband.

   Ugh, the most annoying family just sat next to me on this plane. I live with them and now I have to sit with them for 5 hours?

   IF you had to choose between your wife and winning the lottery… What kind of car would you buy 1st?

   If you use expressions such as: "My hubby ate four of the cupcakes I made...the little piggy!" Please delete from your friends list.

   So the etch-a-sketch creator is dead... His family is reported to be a little shook up...

   That halftime show was the best....said no one ever!

   ‎,,!,,(-.-),,!,, in this kind of mood

   It always seems like as soon as you start to figure out that life is a real b!tch, it has puppies.

   Do you know what I find interesting? ...Neither does this person who keeps talking to me.

   We are one worldwide coffee shortage away from an actual zombie apocalypse.

   Don't let him ruin your life, he already ruined your mascara

   When someone tells me to guess something and I don't but they keep telling me to try, I start to guess they want to be punched in the face.

   Summer is the season when a man thinks he can cook better on an outdoor grill than his wife can on an indoor stove

   Once you graduate college, pigtails become shorthand for "daddy issues."

   If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food.

   it odd that plenty of fish lets you search for a girl who does drugs often? I guess I have never woke up and said "Wow, I sure wish I could meet a nice meth head somehow"

   I heard the gas companies are going to be changing the grades of gasoline from regular, mid-grade, and supreme to tall, grande and venti...