Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A recent study says that weight loss dramatically boosts men's sexual health. So start hitting the gym, ladies.

   No officer, I'm not BRIBING you. I'm TIPPING you, for your excellent service to this community."

   I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see my Ex again

   I use my cell phone as backlighting at night when I flip someone off so they can better see my finger.

   my girlfriend dresses to kill .Coincidentally , she also cooks the same way.

   Love your neighbor. But don't get caught.

   Hey people tin high-crime neighborhoods; How's that "Snitches get stitches" mantra working for you?

   I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I'm not sure whether to believe this or not.

   I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

   "Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy.

   "You da bomb! No you da bomb!" -A compliment in America; an argument in Syria.

   People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.

   Someday scientists are going to discover the center of the universe and a lot of people will be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   My current clothing style is a combination of "sh*t I'm late", "sh*t it's cold", with just a hint of "I'm too lazy to look socially acceptable for you losers".

   The Colts would of lost using a Nerf football. . .

   Here it is 2015 for crying out loud, and we still don't know who let the dogs out, the way to San Jose. who stopped the rain, where in the world is Carmen San Diego, what's in your wallet, or Victoria's secret.

   The best part about legalizing marijuana would be not having to listen to anyone else explain to me why we should legalize marijuana

   The stripper was getting tired of the same old thong and dance.

   If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.

   "I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN