Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   4th of July on a Wednesday? That's so Ghetto...

   The funniest thing about the Darth Vader kid car commerical was that the parents thought they started the car.

   This could turn out to be one hell of an April Fools joke if Malaysia Airlines pulls it off...

   I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.

   The Ark, Day 1,,,, NOAH: OK, lions, you're in L CARGO,,, bears, you're in B CARGO,,, and snails, you're in S CARGO....

   It's sad to watch folks who have been lied to by the Dems, CNN and the MSM for so long that they don't know the truth when they finally see it face to face.

   Kaepernick has to keep coming up with reasons to stay relevant since he sucks at qb...

   Fact: African Americans make up 13.3% of the US population. Fact African Americans make up 70% of the NFL. Fact: Average NFL Salary: $1.9 million. And these are the guys protesting "Oppression"?

   the entrepreneur in me thinks I should be selling rocks in the streets of Iran.

   If you love someone, then you have to let them go. If they come back, then they're meant for you, but if they don't, then you stalk them

   I went to Japan and got myself a discount prostitute. She love me moderate time.

   My friend Ryan is going to attempt to get his vasectomy reversed tomorrow. I told him they could make a movie about it and call it "Saving Ryan's Private."

   "Hey Dog the Bounty Hunter!" F#CK YOU!" Sincerely Waldo

   Name 2 things that get smoked in bowls?.......Marijuana and Notre Dame Football

   My mother told me: "alcohol is your worst enemy." Jesus said: "love your enemy." Case closed.

   She removed her jeans threw it to me and said ``Make me feel like a woman``... and I removed my trouser threw it 2 her and said ``wash them both...

   One nation...over weight...with high fructose corn syrup for all!

   I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. "Sir, those are Band-Aids." Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.

   I didn't hear the sea when I held a Shell up. I did however get 6 years in jail for armed robbery on a Gas Station

   I do not understand why people create gags about 10.10.10, 11.11.11 or 12.12.12 while everyone knows that nothing can replace the curiosity of 36.24.36