Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I walk into the 7/11, and the female clerk says, "You look JUST like my fourth husband!" I said, "Really...you've been married four times?' She goes, "No. Three."

   Love 'em or hate 'em, you have to admit, Beyonce' and J-Lo never do anything half-assed.

   If you are a woman and you dont like or enjoy sex, please tell me right away before I invest my feelings and money in you. What I am really looking for is a proud nympho.

   For sale. One Afghan bed, no longer required as owner has gone to sea. Looks new but it has bin laid in.

   Happy "Steak and BJ Day". I'll take both well done.

   You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.

   4th of July on a Wednesday? That's so Ghetto...

   The funniest thing about the Darth Vader kid car commerical was that the parents thought they started the car.

   This could turn out to be one hell of an April Fools joke if Malaysia Airlines pulls it off...

   I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.

   The Ark, Day 1,,,, NOAH: OK, lions, you're in L CARGO,,, bears, you're in B CARGO,,, and snails, you're in S CARGO....

   Fact: African Americans make up 13.3% of the US population. Fact African Americans make up 70% of the NFL. Fact: Average NFL Salary: $1.9 million. And these are the guys protesting "Oppression"?

   It's sad to watch folks who have been lied to by the Dems, CNN and the MSM for so long that they don't know the truth when they finally see it face to face.

   Kaepernick has to keep coming up with reasons to stay relevant since he sucks at qb...

   the entrepreneur in me thinks I should be selling rocks in the streets of Iran.

   If you love someone, then you have to let them go. If they come back, then they're meant for you, but if they don't, then you stalk them

   I went to Japan and got myself a discount prostitute. She love me moderate time.

   My friend Ryan is going to attempt to get his vasectomy reversed tomorrow. I told him they could make a movie about it and call it "Saving Ryan's Private."

   "Hey Dog the Bounty Hunter!" F#CK YOU!" Sincerely Waldo

   Name 2 things that get smoked in bowls?.......Marijuana and Notre Dame Football