Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FYI: When you graduate from vegetarian to vegan you are legally required to put a racing stripe on your Prius

   When you are married, there is no such a thing as a "bad blow job".

   I always carry a very specialized custom survival knife, but it's not sharp. It's for cake or pie emergencies.

   I am not acting childish and you're just a big doody-head.

   Cat hair is lonely people glitter.

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed on them

   I have never been paid for sex, but holy mother of god, there were a few instances when I should have been.

   If video games have taught me anything, it's that if you encounter enemies then you're going the right way.

   Never date a woman over 35 whose cats are named after fashion designers.

   How many dinosaur remains must we dig up before we understand why they lived underground?

   If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

   I was walking down the street and saw my Arab friend shaking a rug on his porch. I shouted out to him "What's wrong Ahmed, won't start?"

   just found out my mom is the 10th mistress to be linked to Tiger Woods.

   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

   Dear person who comes into a restaurant 5 mins before closing: Please burst into flames and die.

   nothing says American greed more then a packed mall one day after getting free stuff

   When I cross a one way road, I still look both sides... . . Just in case there are any women driving

   I'm like the reverse Michael Jackson. I always wanted to be black. I'm sexually attracted to adults, and I have no talent whatsoever.

   my manly shoulders will be here for you to cry on, as soon as your husband admit's he's gay....

   Before sex, you help each other get naked.. After sex, you only dress yourself.. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once your f*cked!