Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always have skis mounted on the roof of my car just in case I flip it and land in the snow.

   I think married people should spend a lot of time experimenting sexually. Unless the name of the experiment is "Let's see how long I can make him go without sex".

   Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl's girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: "My dad wears shirts like that"

   Due to the recent out break of Norovirus. Royal Caribbean will be changing ships name to Exploader of the Sea.

   The jobs report is so bad Obama should fire somebody, but that would only add to the problem.

   I'm taking my two beautiful children to Disney World. I'm leaving the two ugly ones at home.

   Hope this Iran thing goes through so the Ayatollah Ali Khameneiwill stop blocking my Candy Crush requests.

   It's like my grandma always used to say, everyone needs to get that 1st starter marriage out-of-the-way!

   I have nothing in common with people that think about work when they're at home. I don't even think about work when I'm there.

   My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...

   I've been trying to leave Rome for weeks,,, but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

   My wife ended up with a broken nose and a black eye today because she wouldn't listen to me. I said, "Honey! Look out for that lamppost!"

   When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk... I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

   I DON'T want to brag,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, So I won't,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, See how that works?

   Oh man, it's not the weekend yet? I can't wait to stand around in some empty bar watching a crummy band and having weak drinks.

   I was walking down the street to work this morning and a guy was sitting on the sidewalk. He held out a cup of change and asked "spare change?". I said "sure, thanks man!" And took the cup. People are really nice in Tacoma.

   Wait, don't eat yet! Let me take a picture of it at an artsy angle, add Instagram effects, and upload it to Facebook!

   If you have to give me CPR and your breath stinks just let me die.

   I hate when I mistake my finger for a fry.

   I was born at a very early age.