Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys: if you take your girl back after she cheats on you, you're a little b*tch.

   What does it make me if I put Nutella on this brown sugar & cinnamon poptart? A genius... The correct answer is genius.

   I have no idea what a Hollaback girl is, but it's the only reason I know how to spell banana

   Every pizza can be a personal pizza if you eat the whole thing

   Teachers: Remember, you can't hit the kids but you can still hit the bottle.

   Some relationships can survive only online.

   I can't believe Razor Companys are making any money.....$40 for 10 blades thet cost $.25 to make???

   Janet Yellen to become first woman head of the Federal Reserve. For her first action she will raise the interest rate to 9.78% but put it on sale for 6.73% to make it a good deal.

   I always have skis mounted on the roof of my car just in case I flip it and land in the snow.

   I think married people should spend a lot of time experimenting sexually. Unless the name of the experiment is "Let's see how long I can make him go without sex".

   Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl's girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: "My dad wears shirts like that"

   Due to the recent out break of Norovirus. Royal Caribbean will be changing ships name to Exploader of the Sea.

   The jobs report is so bad Obama should fire somebody, but that would only add to the problem.

   I'm taking my two beautiful children to Disney World. I'm leaving the two ugly ones at home.

   Hope this Iran thing goes through so the Ayatollah Ali Khameneiwill stop blocking my Candy Crush requests.

   It's like my grandma always used to say, everyone needs to get that 1st starter marriage out-of-the-way!

   I have nothing in common with people that think about work when they're at home. I don't even think about work when I'm there.

   My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...

   I've been trying to leave Rome for weeks,,, but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

   My wife ended up with a broken nose and a black eye today because she wouldn't listen to me. I said, "Honey! Look out for that lamppost!"