Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should show the premiere of "Battleship" on Rihanna's forehead.

   My wife says she is leaving me because because because because becaaaaauuuuuuuuse,,, she says I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.

   Ladies, if you are wearing an excessively short skirt this summer, please do everybody a favor and shave. And I am not talking about legs.

   U.S. television game show host Alex Trebek is recovering from a mild heart attack he suffered on Saturday, but not worry his life is not in Jeopardy.

   I'm 38 and I have no clue what AM or PM stands for. Nice job, public school system!

   Remember, Bibles are for reading and not waving.

   What if NASCAR is really just rednecks saying "nice car"

   How many singers have sung "The Wind Beneath My Wings" and the general public still doesn't understand it's the wind over your wings that gives you lift. Wind beneath your wings causes a stall. That changes the whole meaning of the song!

   "OK...that Trust Exercise didn't go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let's keep quiet about this...AS A TEAM!"

   "Stupid Left Shark takes one misstep during a Super Bowl and now he is famous " - Right Shark(-_-)

   You seen one solar eclipse, you seen em all. If you want, I can show you a full moon any day of the week though. . .

   I would have thought that Tiger would have waited until later in the back nine to pretend he was hurt, but golf is unpredictable sometimes.

   Before Facebook I used to have a life. Now I can't even remember the name of my two... no wait, sorry, three kids.

   The people you may know list should be renamed to, the people you may want to block. . .

   I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh*t, I want you to as well.

   Men, if you had your choice between brains or b0obs, which cup size do you prefer?

   I only drink alcohol because there aren't enough ways to eat it.

   Sorry that after your wife said "I do" at your wedding I shouted out "BUTT STUFF"

   At some point that loving relationship you cherish is going to develop into a battle of sighs & eye rolls.

   My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he's all wagging his tail, but I know he's not listening. I get it ladies