Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "OK...that Trust Exercise didn't go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let's keep quiet about this...AS A TEAM!"

   "Stupid Left Shark takes one misstep during a Super Bowl and now he is famous " - Right Shark(-_-)

   You seen one solar eclipse, you seen em all. If you want, I can show you a full moon any day of the week though. . .

   I would have thought that Tiger would have waited until later in the back nine to pretend he was hurt, but golf is unpredictable sometimes.

   Before Facebook I used to have a life. Now I can't even remember the name of my two... no wait, sorry, three kids.

   The people you may know list should be renamed to, the people you may want to block. . .

   I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh*t, I want you to as well.

   Men, if you had your choice between brains or b0obs, which cup size do you prefer?

   I only drink alcohol because there aren't enough ways to eat it.

   Sorry that after your wife said "I do" at your wedding I shouted out "BUTT STUFF"

   At some point that loving relationship you cherish is going to develop into a battle of sighs & eye rolls.

   My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he's all wagging his tail, but I know he's not listening. I get it ladies

   If you can't even get your first and last name in order, then no, I will not accept your friend request.

   I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

   Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.

   We do not realize that one day, a guy suddenly had the idea to put a thermometer in the butt of someone. And that person said yes.

   If the lesson outweighs the regret: it was worth it.

   If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..

   It's easy to be the worst person on Facebook. Just begin your response to someone's status update with, "Actually,"

   The party's not over 'till you smile for the mugshot. ;-p