Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If it was up to me, Pregnancy test would only have 2 cool results; PINK - You are screwed & BLUE - Keep on screwing.

   After careful consideration I've decided i'm giving up using autocorrect on my iPhone for Kent

   Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can't they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?

   I am not sarcastic – I am hilarious. I am not annoying – I am just cooler than you. I am not a jerk – I just don't like you.

   ...Every bankruptcy begins with Kay

   Dreamt I was forced to eat my way out of a ginger bread house

   In 1911, Dracula fed himself 16 year old virgin girls' blood. He died of hunger in 2011.

   I don't want a sky full of lighters! I just want the one that fell under my driver's seat!

   Gotta check my undies; I just made a Joyful Noise.

   I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!

   My wife has just walked out the door with the kids for good because of my addiction to horse racing. In fact, I can see them now - they're all at the gate - and they're off!

   Watching the movie Independence Day to commemorate Will Smith's efforts in preventing an alien invasion this exact day 16 years ago. I thank Will Smith for my freedom!!!

   wondering what poor country will be receiving all the Texas Rangers 2011 World Series Champions T-shirts

   for a perfectly shaved forearm reach for the last Pringle in the can....

   Fact: Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.

   It's only a matter of time until "Security Cameras of Wal-Mart" is a reality TV show.

   Facebook account for sale, Friends included.

   When I first met my girlfriend two years ago she told me she was Bi. Little did I know it was "Polar".

   My kid's hamster died, so I just glued some googly eyes on it and told him it was high on meth.

   Marry someone funny. I'm serious.