Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gotta check my undies; I just made a Joyful Noise.

   I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!

   My wife has just walked out the door with the kids for good because of my addiction to horse racing. In fact, I can see them now - they're all at the gate - and they're off!

   Watching the movie Independence Day to commemorate Will Smith's efforts in preventing an alien invasion this exact day 16 years ago. I thank Will Smith for my freedom!!!

   wondering what poor country will be receiving all the Texas Rangers 2011 World Series Champions T-shirts

   for a perfectly shaved forearm reach for the last Pringle in the can....

   Fact: Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.

   It's only a matter of time until "Security Cameras of Wal-Mart" is a reality TV show.

   Facebook account for sale, Friends included.

   When I first met my girlfriend two years ago she told me she was Bi. Little did I know it was "Polar".

   My kid's hamster died, so I just glued some googly eyes on it and told him it was high on meth.

   Marry someone funny. I'm serious.

   When your boss asks why you’re late. Just shrug and say “thug life.” Bosses don’t mess with thug life.

   Miley Cyrus is actually doing a pretty good job distracting all of us from her pretty awful music.

   The year is 2170... All fossil fuels are depleted... Our only source for coal is Santa Claus... Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

   My daughter kicked me out of her imaginary tea party when I asked if she had any vodka.

   Stupid autocorrect always making me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.

   Damn. Facebook has more movies than Netflix.

   Dale Jr won.....there hasnt been this much excitement in the trailer park since number 9's meth lab blew up