Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the economy is so bad I ordered a burger at macdonalds the kid behind the counter asked "can you afford fries with that"

   Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. It tastes the same, but you know its wrong....

   hates double standards. If a chick bangs a bunch of dudes, she's a slut. If a guy does it, he's a homosexual.

   I just tenderized the pork... now to put my pants back on and go start dinner.

   ♫ SHOUT…SHOUT, type it all out! These are the things I can blog about. So log on… I'm linking to you… Log on. ♫ (

   You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. F*cking act like it.

   AMISH DRIVE BY SHOOTING:................."Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clop Cop....bang bang bang bang bang bang....Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip clop

   I mix Corona with water and it gets me drunk... mixed Wine with water and it gets me drunk... I mix Tequila with water and gets me drunk again... therefore I've reached the conclusion that water is bad for me...

   divulging his mind in the complexities of th... oooh look a kitty!

   you better keep yo' hands off my Momma and keep yo' hands off my Dorito's.

   “Oh science, oh science, oh science!!” ~An atheist having sex.

   Life's like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you have to stick your finger in a few before you find the one that's right for you....

   Dear ladies, We love when you play with our balls and not our minds.

   If there is water in a watermelon, then whats in a kumquat?

   For Sale: Gently used Boeing 777. Everything looks to be there except black box. Comes with like 257 tourists & new rims. No weirdos or checks.

   There's a dentist in Minnesota that kills lions and bears. There's a football team in Minnesota that can't beat lions or bears.

   We don't need to worry about an Ebola outbreak in the US. After all, our borders are secure, right?

   "not a complete idiot, some parts are missing "

   dear lord: please give us back tupac & we'll give you justin beiber in return.

   All birds find shelter during a rain. But the eagle avoids rain by flying above the clouds. Problems are common, but attitude makes the difference!