Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Cheer up Prince Charles! They only vandalised your car with a bit of white paint. It's not like they deliberately chased your car into a tunnel during the night and murdered you. 
Woke up this morning, looked down and one of my toes was missing, There was a note stuck to my foot that said 'Gone To Market'
people are always asking whats the meaning of life, why dont they just look it up in the dictionary. Duh!!!!
I am sensing a great disturbance in the force. A disturbance I havn't felt since Darth W Bush was in office. I fear the new sith lord Darth Pelosi is starting trouble.
Sometimes I try to masturbate long words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean.
You break her jaw we break your legs...and arms...and back.
If my mother knew how many potential grandchildren I swallowed I wonder if she'd be proud or appalled.
OMG! Anyone know the number of the water treatment plant? I need to let em know I just sent something their way that is going to cause trouble when it gets there....Lordy Lordy Lordy!
the economy is so bad I ordered a burger at macdonalds the kid behind the counter asked "can you afford fries with that"
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. It tastes the same, but you know its wrong....
hates double standards. If a chick bangs a bunch of dudes, she's a slut. If a guy does it, he's a homosexual.
I just tenderized the pork... now to put my pants back on and go start dinner.
♫ SHOUT…SHOUT, type it all out! These are the things I can blog about. So log on… I'm linking to you… Log on. ♫ (
You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. F*cking act like it.
AMISH DRIVE BY SHOOTING:................."Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clop Cop....bang bang bang bang bang bang....Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip clop
I mix Corona with water and it gets me drunk... mixed Wine with water and it gets me drunk... I mix Tequila with water and gets me drunk again... therefore I've reached the conclusion that water is bad for me...
you better keep yo' hands off my Momma and keep yo' hands off my Dorito's.
divulging his mind in the complexities of th... oooh look a kitty!
“Oh science, oh science, oh science!!” ~An atheist having sex.
Life's like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you have to stick your finger in a few before you find the one that's right for you.... 