Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last New Year's, people promised me that 2011 would be MY year. Those people are liars and are no longer my life coaches/psychics.

   I hate when ppl say near miss, shouldnt it be a near hit?

   If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and your the main witness, what if you say "no"?

   What would it take to bring back fat Al Roker? I feel like we were a better America then.

   Government is trying to control all we do. This is still America correct? I would prefer them not being able to decided for me what websites they feel are "Not good for me mentally or physically"!! LET US LIVE FREE AGAIN CONGRESS, its what are loved ones

   Mondays aren't so bad....its my job that sucks a**

   You would think that by now those dumbass sickos that get busted on Dateline NBC's show To Catch a Predator would just haul ass as soon as they saw the clothes basket.

   When I'm at the bar, I buy women drinks based on how high their heels are just so I'll have something to laugh at later when they're drunk.

   Always be yourself. Unless you need a ride home from the airport, then be whoever's name is on the closest limo driver's card.

   Love is not always sunshine and flowers. Sometimes it is thunder and lightning.

   BBC News: Gaddafi 'launching cluster bombs'. Rebel forces to retaliate with Honey nut missile.

   Feisty & Non compliant, can I get a behavior plan over here?

   Shouldn't those polar bears have diabetes by now???? #tooMuchCoke

   You must hate it when people make assumptions about you.

   The best thing about Valentine's day being over next week will be no more Vermont teddy bear commercials.

   I could have lived forever without knowing grandpa had a 'dong down to his knees' but thanks for the visual grandma.

   my phone battery dies faster than a slut in a horror movie

   My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.

   I haven't been laid in such a long time that my virginity is beginning to grow back.

   "Kill confirmed." ... "Grandma please, not at the funeral." -_-