Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Funny how people who keep saying "I'm always there for you" are usually the ones responsible for your miserable life.

   money does talk... it says "goodbye" to me a lot

   never trust a fat guy to guard your fries while you go to the men's room.

   Liking your own status is the online equivilent of savoring your own fart...

   If you dont like being a door mat....then get off the floor

   Don't get me wrong, I love football just as much as the next guy but if she want's to do it during game time, football is the last thing on my mind.

   If Lindsay Lohan made it through her cracked-out bleached-blonde lesbian jailbird phase, you can make it through today.

   When I go to a restaurant alone, I always ask for separate checks.

   One of the biggest lies ever told; The Doctor will be with you in a couple of Minutes.

   You know how America votes off contestants on Dancing With The Stars....That would be such a great idea on Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

   LMS if you remember walking into a restaurant and being asked smoking or non-smoking?

   Some kid told my son knee pads are for pussies. I told him no, that's 'maxi' pads. And his mother should see a doctor.

   I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

   What is it about Walmart that attracts so many damn wierdos - oh wait i'm here too

   Turkey is one hell of a drug.

   the only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn't even been born yet...

   How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?

   Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.

   I think that Justin Timberlake should have won an award at last night's VMAs for the only person to make it out of Disney without a drug problem....

   Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture.