Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Kardashians, your 15 minutes was up a few months ago...

   If Facebook and porn were made illegal, it would free up a good 10 hours of my life every day

   Who is wise? He that learns from everyone. Who is powerful? He that governs his passions. Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.

   You can't walk in here with a big banana and expect everything to be peaches

   - Strengthen your memory. Lie more.

   Just left Walmart, to get out of there, I had to strangle 6 moms, run over 12 kids, and kick 1 grandma in a scooter. There goes my present from Santa.

   the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about

   Facebook is the epitome of six degrees of separation.

   Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money

   Whoever said talk is cheap hasn't seen my phone bill.

   I wonder if the band that recorded the Saved By The Bell theme ever gets together once in a while just to jam.

   Funny how people who keep saying "I'm always there for you" are usually the ones responsible for your miserable life.

   money does talk... it says "goodbye" to me a lot

   never trust a fat guy to guard your fries while you go to the men's room.

   Liking your own status is the online equivilent of savoring your own fart...

   If you dont like being a door mat....then get off the floor

   Don't get me wrong, I love football just as much as the next guy but if she want's to do it during game time, football is the last thing on my mind.

   If Lindsay Lohan made it through her cracked-out bleached-blonde lesbian jailbird phase, you can make it through today.

   When I go to a restaurant alone, I always ask for separate checks.

   One of the biggest lies ever told; The Doctor will be with you in a couple of Minutes.