Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i hate someone who friend requests me then has the nerve to i.m. me"how do I know u" so I delete them and repy"now you dont know me"

   Whenever I hear the phrase 'anything is possible', I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door ;)

   Ladies if another girl steals your boyfriend, there's no better revenge but to let her keep him

   I woke up at 3am naked and holding a watermelon.

   no really!! If I ask you how old your child is, and you say something stupid like 87 weeks. then we're fighting!

   Watching Phoebe Cates exiting the pool for the 1,000,000,000 time!!!

   The last thing I want to do is hurt you...but it's still on the list.

   Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money

   Whoever said talk is cheap hasn't seen my phone bill.

   I wonder if the band that recorded the Saved By The Bell theme ever gets together once in a while just to jam.

   Men are like movies. After 3 plays, you want to return them.

   - Strengthen your memory. Lie more.

   Just left Walmart, to get out of there, I had to strangle 6 moms, run over 12 kids, and kick 1 grandma in a scooter. There goes my present from Santa.

   the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about

   Facebook is the epitome of six degrees of separation.

   You know its a bad economy when you are getting less bang for your buck with a hooker...

   Dear Kardashians, your 15 minutes was up a few months ago...

   If Facebook and porn were made illegal, it would free up a good 10 hours of my life every day

   Who is wise? He that learns from everyone. Who is powerful? He that governs his passions. Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.

   You can't walk in here with a big banana and expect everything to be peaches