Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I say something that offends you, Please let me know so I can say it again later!..

   I love it when people I hate get in trouble.

   Why are all these women protesting, shouldn't they be at home cooking?

   If you're feeling the Bern it might be the clap. Better get it checked.

   Hillary Clinton gave Putin's Russia 20% of America's uranium and 9 investors in the deal funneled $145 million to Hillary's foundation.

   Hillary is kickin her own ass now. Bin Laden was one of her biggest donors

   My grandfather is voting for Hillary.I'd try to talk him out of it but he's been dead for a long time now....

   NEVER let someone know what annoys you...or you will fuel their fire...

   has realized there is no Popcorn in Popcorn Chicken. Guess there is no sense in trying the Hash Brown either then!

   Dear Customers, Yes, we are making fun of you in Vietnamese. Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies!!

   Remember the tea kettle, though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

   head and shoulders needs to come out with a new shampoo. called knees and toes

   I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying

   The stuff I never tell anyone is so much more awesome than the stuff I tell everyone.

   Remember, they're laughing with you, not at you. They're only pointing at you so you know who they're laughing with.

   Wanted: Friend with benefit. I'm not selfish, you don't even have to enjoy it!

   One packet of Kool-Aid 10 cents, one pitcher to put the Kool-Aid $2.00, drinking all the Kool-Aid and putting the almost empty container back in the fridge and having the wife blame and b*tch out the kids for it, PRICELESS

   there are two types of people in the world; Those who know how to handle stress and those who need bail money

   Some of the ingredients of Taco Bell meat "filler" isolated oat product, soybean based anti dusting agent and silicon dioxide (better known by it's street name sand). It's like your mouth has gone to the beach to take a vacation from meat.

   don't ask me how my nap was. I slept through it. That's how my nap was!