Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vampires aren't on FB because they can't take pictures of themselves in front of a mirror.

   Trying understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.

   conficious says it takes many nails to build a crib but only 1 SCREW to fill it

   Apparently,,, hospital bed pans are only for the patients??

   Checking Your Phone To See What Time It Is... And Then Checking It Again Because The First Time You Wernt Paying Attention! Awkward.

   You Are Not A MAN if you can make A BABY, Your Are a Man Who Can Raise One Especially One which is not yours ~ Mr. Krab

   I can't get in and out of a folding lawn chair without looking like a special needs Greco-Roman wrestler.

   I swear Blackberry must be a FEMALE. Only a woman can ignore you for three days flat and then pretend nothing was wrong!

   Believe it or not WOMAN has MAN in it. FEMALE has MALE in it. SHE has HE in it. MADAM has ADAM in it, no wonder men always want to be inside a woman.

   If I say something that offends you, Please let me know so I can say it again later!..

   I love it when people I hate get in trouble.

   Why are all these women protesting, shouldn't they be at home cooking?

   If you're feeling the Bern it might be the clap. Better get it checked.

   Hillary Clinton gave Putin's Russia 20% of America's uranium and 9 investors in the deal funneled $145 million to Hillary's foundation.

   Hillary is kickin her own ass now. Bin Laden was one of her biggest donors

   My grandfather is voting for Hillary.I'd try to talk him out of it but he's been dead for a long time now....

   NEVER let someone know what annoys you...or you will fuel their fire...

   has realized there is no Popcorn in Popcorn Chicken. Guess there is no sense in trying the Hash Brown either then!

   Dear Customers, Yes, we are making fun of you in Vietnamese. Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies!!

   Remember the tea kettle, though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.