Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions...... * Ummm, Kids,, I meant my kids

   Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life's problems

   Christie blocks a bridge in New Jersey... The Super Bowl is in New Jersey... A nation wide velveeta shortage for the Super Bowl.... GOVERNMET CONSPIRACIES ARE REAL!

   I've just invented a new word: "plagiarism".

   Ladies we don't say this often enough but THANK YOU. Thank you for not killing us in our sleep or putting arsenic in our sandwiches. Sincerely MEN.

   Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that sh*t!”

   If Jennifer Lawrence really wanted to keep her photos private, she should've kept them hidden in Lois Lerner's email.

   I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

   Shouldn't we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It's like we work there for a little while.

   Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don't mix it up this year!

   Hey Verification Code, I have no idea what the heck that says but I swear I'm human.

   men always notice it's cold when their nipples become larger than their balls

   Some people can rely on their personality for birth control.

   Never plan a future with someone that has no future plans for themselves.

   I don't care what the damn expiration date says, I'm smelling the milk before I drink it.

   It's all fun and games untill someone spills bong water on the last slice of pizza!

   I hate it when certain people exist.

   The cast of 16 & pregnant are the future cast of 32 & grandparents

   Cuddling season is over. It's hott as f**k now. Get away.

   do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.