Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies: If a guy ever tells you he's “crazy” about you, then you better believe it because we rarely use words like that.

   Roger Ebert called. He's giving your online performance of "The Worlds Biggest A$$hole" two enthusiastic thumbs up. Way up.

   Facebook says we're 'friends' but, trust me, I wouldn't hesitate to punch you in the face.

   Life is like Facebook. People will LIKE your problems & comment, but no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.

   Im not saying your chick is ugly at all. She just reminds me of Bald Bull on Mike Tyson's punchout

   Just got off the phone with my bookie. If the space junk hits any of the members of Nickelback I will be a very wealthy man.

   Nothing says to a robber, "I have brand new never before opened electronics piled up in my living room." Like a Christmas tree.

   could really use a great snowjob right now.

   If tonight goes just as planned for most people, we should see a lot of new babies in November

   Dont smoke... there are cooler ways to die.

   just bought a new pack of socks to avoid doing laundry tonight.

   I never point fingers but if you look at my toes... they're fully indicating whose a f*cking liar.

   Like a good neighbor state farm is there... With Osama bin laden.... Bam headshot. Thats how we found him

   If I actually did "live like there's no tomorrow". I'd be in jail.

   Relationships are alot like breaking a horse.. When you first jump on them, they are going to buck and fight and try to take off.. But stay on long enough and they will let you ride them anytime you want!! - Todd

   ‎ So, did France like lose at rock, paper, scissors or something? I mean France?

   If politicians are the answer, then it must have been a damn stupid question

   Don't post something you know will obviously annoy someone and then act surprised when they comment on it. You're not fooling anyone! You are clearly provoking them and want the attention.

   Life's a piano and I'm playing it wearing boxing gloves.

   diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any.