Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dont smoke... there are cooler ways to die.

   just bought a new pack of socks to avoid doing laundry tonight.

   I never point fingers but if you look at my toes... they're fully indicating whose a f*cking liar.

   Like a good neighbor state farm is there... With Osama bin laden.... Bam headshot. Thats how we found him

   If I actually did "live like there's no tomorrow". I'd be in jail.

   Relationships are alot like breaking a horse.. When you first jump on them, they are going to buck and fight and try to take off.. But stay on long enough and they will let you ride them anytime you want!! - Todd

   ‎ So, did France like lose at rock, paper, scissors or something? I mean France?

   If politicians are the answer, then it must have been a damn stupid question

   Don't post something you know will obviously annoy someone and then act surprised when they comment on it. You're not fooling anyone! You are clearly provoking them and want the attention.

   Life's a piano and I'm playing it wearing boxing gloves.

   diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any.

   But in dog beers, I only had one.

   Kids, if you "can't afford tuition" because the payment on your new car is so much, you're doing it wrong...

   it just me or has Aunt Jemima lost weight

   I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

   Bruce Springsteen is 65 years old today. Now when he's dancing in the dark, it's because of cataracts.

   Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...

   No its not "cute", its actually quite slutty looking, and yes I love it!

   "... And for dessert, we have NyQuil."...... *Me, if I were a parent

   PRO TIP: Keep your man's balls deflated so he won't be able to bounce them around the playground.