Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Walmart calls them "self-checkouts," I call them "I might not pay for some of this."

   I just read a list of “100 things to do before you die”. And, I've got to say,, I'm pretty surprised that “yell for help” wasn't one of them.

   I Had a dream of you! You were drowning and I could not save you. All of a sudden God appeared and said, Fear not my child, crap floats!

   Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

   doing something weird and thinking, this is why I'm not in a relationship.

   Whoever '' Shawty'' is , she apparently has alot of rapper boyfriends.

   Has discovered why losing weight when you are older is so difficult. The fat and your body have become such good friends that they don't wan to be separated.

   If I said something to offend you .. tell me... I may want to use it again:)

   Things you don't wanna hear after saying "I love you" to someone .... "Thank you" ... "I know you do" ... "I think we should just be friends" ... "I'm married" ... "Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my bed? How the f*ck did you get in my house?!

   Sex: It might be good exercise, but that's not why we do it!

   Time for naughty dreams! Hope to see a few of you there.

   I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

   I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.

   You know those nights when you just can't fall asleep? Maybe it's because you're awake in someone else's dream.

   It's amazing the places I will wander to in my house while I talk on the phone.

   Whenever I see someone calling my phone, I wait and see if they will call 10 times, if they don't, it probably wasn't that important

   parents dont need energy drinks...they already have monsters that keep them awake all day

   Ever have that moment when you try to flick a booger and it teleports on to your other finger?

   I hear teaching Geography is where it is at these days!

   It's just as well money can't buy happiness. With prices what they are today, who could afford it anyway?